I wasn't going to post, but now I am. I didn't read the three pages of text, nor do I want to give you my life story, but in my opinion you honestly just have to accept yourself.
Yah yah yah, it is said over and over again, but fck it, you don't have to over analyze this like you are some lab experiment or a freak of nature, because it isn't true. You know I find it ironic that people find me funny, annoying, hell I have even been called me a sadist, but one thing people do not say is "that guy seems depressed", but yet only 5 years ago my parents drove me to a fcking mental hospital. I saw a psychiatrist for almost two years but did that help? Fck no, it was the ability to look at myself and say "Hey, this is what you got, are you going to keep abusing it and destroying yourself just because you got a few blemishes?" Ignore the status quo, reject the norm; you only have yourself and no one else, so why try and point out everything that is wrong?
People act like "hearing voices" is something uncommon, welp that just isn't true. Delusions, more like the ability to question reality. The human conscience is a curious thing; there are 7,121,416,459 different ways people solve problems (ding ding ding, if you guessed that is the world population, you get a prize), and none of them are right or wrong. Have I heard voices? Indeed I have. Do I still hear voices? Yap. Call it a subconscious, call it another personality, whatever you like, but in the end it is still you, and there is no problem with that. I bet if you honestly asked the people here most would reply they have talked to themselves in one way or another, why does more in depth discussion with yourself equal a fault?
You just need to chill and understand you are unique and that is great. Hell it is fcking fantastic. Why in the world would anyone want to be a normal cliche of a life. You know what I call my subconscious? I call him Harvey, I named him after watching an episode of Farscape in which the main character has a subconscious injected inside of him (in which he then calls Harvey). Am I crazy? I sure hope so, because being normal seems rather boring and dim to me.
IDK bro, can I say your situation and what I had are the same, nah, but can I say that treating yourself like you are mentally deranged isn't positive at all. Take what you have and use it as inspiration, as a blessing rather than a curse. You aren't Hitler (he died) and I sure as hell hope you aren't the antichrist, so take what you have and make yourself wonderful.
You have brought very important points to this thread, most with which I agree as I have previous referred them.
Having a "regular life" means nothing - you're born, study/work, marry, have kids, have grandchildren or not, then you die - That's nothing but being a sheep that follows society's patterns of being "normal". Everyone is unique in their own special way, regardless of any issues. And some of the most brilliant people who have left important marks in history had actually severe mental problems or disabilities, like Einstein or Howard Hughes for example. I normally call my OCD my 'dark side' or, recently, my 'dark passenger' as a reference to Dexter, because if I wasn't into criminal justice, then I would probably be murdering vile people as a habit. It's quite funny because even before that series appeared, I already had those kind of thoughts, and that's probably why I decided to take Law as a way of life since I was extremely young.
Accepting such clinical conditions as being normal will not be beneficial on a long-term, because these problems tend to get worse over the years as they usually evolve into far worse problems if not treated correctly, they can lead into complete insanity or even schizophrenia, and it's extremely important to realize that as it is important to learn to love yourself the exact way you are, regardless of what others think or say. It's true that you don't need to have a "regular life", but isolation, solitude, and living in a, per say, fantasy world, can lead you into further depression or even suicide, and one day you will realize that you have wasted the best years of your life, or your whole life, trying to battle your own subconscious rejecting the fact that you actually could have avoided all of that if you had chosen a different path. But as you've said correctly, and as I've said before, every case is a case, and every mental illness has its own particularities as well as its own origin, the same way that no human mind is equal.
A doctor might help or not, as I've said before, that depends on his interest, dedication and willingness to help the patient, rather than most doctors who just want their paychecks at the end of the month. Through my experience, only 1 in 10 doctors will be actually able to provide any useful help at all, most will just treat the symptoms without caring about the root of the problem, which is why most doctors fail in the assistance they try to provide, and also, because most doctors will treat an issue like a general matter, and not as an individual and unique situation, which is also, entirely wrong and even stupid. The cure, when needed, starts from the individual and depends only on the individual, obviously, a dedicated professional will be able to help, as well as medication, because as I've said, if not contained, these problems will eventually lead into something far worse as they aggravate themselves over the years.
Accepting yourself as you are is good in any situation, but in Veryl's case, he has an advanced state of psychosis with hallucinations, and through the experience told on the first post, let's just say that his travel could have had very severe consequences, he was robbed, but he could have also been beaten up or even murdered in the streets of Lisbon. He really needs to be treated and to solve his problems, because if he doesn't, then nothing will avoid him into going on another road trip and possibly getting himself killed. And also, parents don't last forever, neither their financial support, so if a person does not want to end his days in a hospital banging his head into a wall, or worse, it's better to take the chance now instead of regretting it for their rest of his life, IF, he gets to have many more years to live. It's wrong to consider yourself a sick person, but it's extremely important to acknowledge that you have problems and that you need treatment, because if you don't, things will only get worse, and you will never be a truly happy person, but instead, you will be consistently haunted and you will never be truly independent, but you will always have to depend on others.
Being open about and reading your stories and thoughts really gave me a new open view on my experiences.
I'm kinda glad (although its nothing to be glad about) that I'm not alone in this.
it was very inspiring to read and I have definately learned from this.
Living with this as some kind of secret has tormented me for a while now.
now I know I can get over this, I just have to give myself the time and the patience.
dealing with this issue has been like running away from reality for ever since now but Im not gonna do that anymore.
I have to face facts and get my life in order, but I wont bug you guys to much with what Im going to do.
"Accept your fate, or be destroyed by specters of the past who shall never return" - A line from Starz's Spartacus series that stayed in my mind. Meaning that we all have our ghosts, but we need to accept them and overcome them in order to live a happy life, and as I've said above, a "happy life" isn't having a "regular life", being happy is being able to live with yourself accepting who you are and the way you are, love yourself, love others and be loved. It is important that you accept yourself as the wonderful person that you are, but your security and welfare must always be your primary concern.
I carry this 'dark side'/OCD for 17 years now, and when it first started to show symptoms, when I was 13, let's just say it was the worst year of my life, it was like a nuclear bomb in my life, I wanted to die because my mind was forcing me into doing some rituals that had no meaning or reason whatsoever, and since I was always extremely skeptical, it was very complicated to deal with it. Not to mention the pain that it brought to my family back then since they had no idea on how to deal with it or on how to help me. But eventually, since most doctors didn't give a shit, I learned to deal with it on my own through extensive research, and nowadays, or at least during the past 10 years, I "tamed" it and I have managed to use it in my advantage, here in DR, I usually say that my mind is a database because I have an extremely strong memory, and in my academic, professional and social life, I learned to use my obsessive side as a benefit, because it helps me into being extremely intelligent as well, as in, instead of obsessing with things that I shouldn't, I trained myself into obsessing with what I should, like legislation for example, that's why some people sometimes are surprised, even Judges, when I do not need to consult a legislation act or a code in order to know what law to apply. Obviously I still have some bad moments, but then again, haven't we all?
Even the "sane" ones do...
In some cases, like yours, you need to "fix yourself" before something worse happens, this is not something to play with since it's your life and your own security that is at stake, you could have gotten yourself killed in your adventure and you know that, Santa Apolonia is full of beggars and thieves, and at the first chance they just snatch whatever they can, like they did with your guitar... But trust me when I say that you could have gotten yourself killed, I know the streets of my country very well, I know Lisbon since I went there to make my mandatory military training when I was 18, and after when I went there to a lot of music festivals, spend some vacations with friends, and nowadays when I go there on work. It doesn't take much for a guy who has literally nothing to lose in life to just stab you or shoot you, and you would be unable to react or defend yourself because everything would be too fast for you to react. Despite having military and martial arts training, I always carry my handgun when I go to Lisbon, and even sometimes when I go out at night in my town, Oporto. The criminality rate of Lisbon is much higher than my town, and it wouldn't be the first nor last time that I have a gun or a knife pointed at me, either here, or there. Things could have got messy for you... It's important that you realize that as well as it's extremely important that you impose some self control and discipline on yourself.
You are not alone and you will never be alone, we will always be here for you whenever you need, and if you ever fell that need to just vanish or get away from everything, for whatever reason, just speak to us first, not necessarily here, but in private if you prefer, that's what friends are for. I have a vast experience in psychological problems, and it was due to watching most doctors literally not giving a shit and even falling asleep in some appointments that I decided to tell them to fuck off, and it wasn't in kind words trust me ;] and to start making extensive research as I've said above, I have learned not only to help myself, but to use the little that I know to help others.
So, feel free to "bug" us, lol, because you don't bug at all, it's actually healthy when people talk openly about these kind of matters. Maybe you have already realized that this thread is indeed therapeutic, because it TRULY is, I'm not joking, because both myself and other fellow members have already told you here some things that most doctors will never tell you, not to mention that most doctors will not even care the slightest shit if you improve or not...While we actually do.
As a final comment, escaping reality is good, it's healthy as well, everyone needs to escape from the everyday bullshit, however, isolating yourself permanently and living in your own comfortable world will eventually lead into worse problems or even drive you insane and beyond any kind of "repair" possible. It's important that you want to break free from the prison that your mind/subconscious has imposed on you, because it makes you feel safe, it makes you feel happy, but in reality, you are just fooling yourself. Like Wucas said and I reiterated, no one is telling you to have a "sheep life", but you will be losing the best things in life if you continue to isolate yourself. It's not good to be entirely sane as I usually say, after all, if we were all equal and sane, the world wouldn't be funny, it would be boring and tedious...lol.
